| ONE- Poultry rights activist | NINE- Whiny and asks too many questions |
| TWO- Jerry Lewis impersonator | NEIN- German for "no" |
| THREE-Can only say two words | TEN- ELEVEN's former co-host |
| FOUR-Acts out movie scenes | ELEVEN- Former informercial guy |
| FIVE- Professional hypnotist | TWELVE- Not angry at all, actually happy! |
| SIX- Boring mathematician | THIRTEEN- An anonymous disgruntled old man |
| SEVEN- Add two numbers in front of his number to get his worst enemy | |
| EIGHT- Shatner fan |
| [After being dragged in by two men in white uniforms, a man stands before a room of straight-jacked men.
To protect the innocent, he will be referred to as "GEORGE." ( "THIRTEEN" is too much trouble to type. )] | |
| ONE | What did you do? I threw chickens out of a third-story laboratory window.
Unfortunately, they don't fly too well when hopped up on Viagra. |
| TWO | The people with the wearing of the white...
the nice people don't believe I'm Jerry Lewis, flayvin! |
| GEORGE | It all started with a simple Jury Duty notice.
I didn't think it would be so complicated...but those people... they didn't believe me! I was right, I tell you! |
| FOUR | [à la Christopher Walken] This jury...were they debating a murder trial? |
| GEORGE | Yes! |
| FOUR | And were they completely incompetent by your standards? |
| GEORGE | Yes! |
| FOUR | I thought so. You see... you see......
aaaaack... [After making several types of gurgling noises, FOUR falls down, then gets back up with a different facial expression.] |
| FOUR | It's all my fault. Now we're all gonna die, here, out in the woods and...
[FOUR looks around frantically, then starts to run wildly as he screams bloody murder] |
| FOUR | What was that? Oh my god...the witch is here!
[FOUR continues to frantically scurry about, yelling madly.] |
| ONE | Don't mind him. That's just movie scenes Murray. |
| GEORGE | Doesn't anybody care about my story? |
| TWO | It doesn't have any aliens or things with the space-like flayvin? |
| GEORGE | [enraged] It's true, damnit!
[GEORGE's face begins to turn to a bright red. GEORGE tries to calm down by counting down from ten under his breath.] |
| GEORGE | [calmer] Okay, this is what happened...
[GEORGE explains what happened in the courtroom that day. Afterwards, the room starts it own debate. Just as before, everybody else agrees the defendant was not guilty.] |
| ONE | I think he was innocent. |
| THREE | Me too. |
| TWO | [babbling] Well, the thing with he lady with the bifocals, WO-HOY-GEN! |
| FOUR | He was not guilty. Definitely, definitely not guilty. |
| GEORGE | [hollering at the top of his lungs]
WHy don't you understand? The kid is guilty! AAAAAAGH! You're gonna make me cry! |
| TWELVE | [cheerfully] Don't cry! Why is everyone so angry? Let's play 'Go Fish!' |
| ELEVEN | [pushes TWELVE away and starts to talk to GEORGE] |
| ELEVEN | Now, George...mind if I call you George? My friend Mike...
[points to TEN]...and I bet we can convince you to buy this... I mean, change your mind! Now, this kid, the defendant... you believe he sliced, diced, and made jullienne fries out of his own father? |
| GEORGE | [puzzled] Nooo... I said he stabbed his father. |
| ELEVEN | Well, what if I told you he was actually innocent... |
| GEORGE | Huh? |
| ELEVEN | But wait, there's more!
The father was actually killed by himself! |
| GEORGE | What?! |
| ELEVEN | Here's our very own mathematician to explain! |
| SIX | [shows GEORGE a chalkboard with elaborate drawings and formulas]
Well, according to this cartesian plane that I've made, with the x-axis representing west-east and the y-axis representing north-south, the slope formed by the two points, the passing el train and the old man, and the y-intercept being the woman with the bifocals... [rambles on as FIVE whispers into GEORGE's ear] |
| FIVE | You are getting very sleepy, yada, yada, yada, cliché...
When I snap my fingers, and so forth... |
| GEORGE | [closes his eyes and immediately falls asleep.
His body falls on the floor, after bouncing a few times.] |
| FIVE | When you awaken, you will agree with everybody else.
[snaps is fingers] |
| GEORGE | [wakes up]
Huh? What happened? |
| EIGHT | [pausing periodically] You...are...now...with...us.
We...will...make...our...own...society... Where...no...man...has...gone...before... [gasps in horror as he stares at the plane made by SIX. EIGHT notices SIX leaning against the chalkboard on a triangle resembling a wing.] There's...a...man....on...the...wing...of...the...plane!!! |
| GEORGE | Well, I agree that the kid is not guilty...
I don't know why...but a secret society? I don't know... |
| SEVEN | [in a sinister voice, petting a cat on his lap]
If you join us, you can see my latest weapon, a laser ray capable of instantaneous de-memorization! |
| FOUR | Let me use that memory-messer-upper.
[dons rayban shades] I make this look cool. |
| NINE | [whining] Where did you get that memory thing?
How did you get it past security? Where'd you get the cat? How'd you put on sunglasses with your arms in a strait-jacket? Why are we allowed to be near each other if we're dangers to ourselves and society? Does this story even have a plot? |
| GEORGE | I think we should get rid of NINE. |
| EIGHT | We...will...if you...join...the...so...cie...ty. |
| GEORGE | Well I suppose there's nothing else I can do...everyone is against me...
...again...I'm forced to agree with everyone else. |