inept - inexperienced - incompetent
| Ten individuals put on an island, forced to survive.
They are taken off one by one until one is left standing and is declared winner. This is Survival! Day one. Cue music. |
| ZERO | Welcome...to Survival. I will be hosting this series.
So I while I'm on the island I get luxury treatment. So let's start this shall we? The ten of you will be divided into groups of five. |
| NINE | I'm confused. |
| ZERO | Wait until I'm done.
The first group shall be the Tiki-Taki-Toki-funny name tribe, consisting of numbers one through five. The other is the Tribble Tribe. Now, if we all understand the rules... |
| NINE | I don't. |
| ZERO | Weren't you paying attention? |
| NINE | Not....entirely.
Which one of us is the professor and which one is the movie star? |
| ZERO | No! No Gilligan references! |
| NINE | I wasn't referring to Gilligan, I was referring to Ginger and... |
| TEN | Shut up! |
| NINE | But I... |
| TEN | Zip it! |
| NINE | I was refe... |
| TEN | Zip...it! |
| NINE | WhatifItalkreallyfastand... |
| TEN | ZIP IT! |
| ZERO | Thank you number nine!
And now, I leave you for Survival, day one! I'll be in my trailer! |
| NINE | I bet you don't know Gilligan's first name! |
| TEN | I don't care! |
| NINE | Or the skipper's full name! |
| TEN | Shut up... |
| NINE | Gilligan's first name is Willy and the skipper's name is Jonas Grumby.
I found the Willy part on the internet. |
| TEN | [sarcastic] Wow... |
| EIGHT | Click here to proceed. |
| TEN | I don't go that way... |
| NINE | Hahahahahahaha! |
| TEN | Shut up! |
| NINE | 'Cause he said click here and you said... |
| TEN | You are so annoying! [tries to hit NINE but hits EIGHT] |
| SEVEN | You fool!
You dismembered its internal servers causing a... ...eh...an internal server error! I won't be able to find replacement parts on the island! |
| NINE | Da-ha! |
| EIGHT | Word undefined. |
| TEN | I was trying to hit him! [points to NINE] |
| EIGHT | DA HA DA HA DA HA |
| TEN | [hits EIGHT] |
| SEVEN | Stop that! That didn't look like an accident! |
| TEN | It wasn't; that da-ha crap was getting annoying. |
| SIX | Da-ha! I like that, hehehe. |
| TEN | Does that robot have anything to put me out of my misery? |
| SEVEN | It would, had you not severely severed its several servers. |
| SIX | Dr. Seuss! |
| TEN | We're gonna have, like, 4 copyright suits against us. |
| NINE | I don't find that half as bad as the numerous plot holes in this story.
Why is a little kid on the island? How is the robot powered? Should I know that I'm just a character in the story? |
| TEN | [rams his head into a wall and passes out]
|
| TWO | Okay. Now that the annoying host person is gone, we shall proceed with the plan! |
| THREE | Ready, willing and able! |
| TWO | Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Number three distracts the Tribble Tribe while I capture number eight... |
| THREE | Mr Roboto? |
| TWO | I'm not sure what his name is, but yes, the robot.
Then I will take number seven hostage and order him to aid us in our plan of escaping from the island. Of course number one will stay here and collect the money by winning! But since the robot can't get wet there has to be a way for him to... |
| THREE | Walk on the water... |
| TWO | Yes! Exactly! And we need a signal of some sort... |
| THREE | ...fire in the sky! |
| TWO | Great idea! Someone make up a flare gun. |
| ONE | That's where I come in! |
| THREE | Burn, baby, burn. |
| ONE | Hehehehehe... |
| FIVE | Disco inferno! [does a little dance] |
| THREE | [to FIVE] Do you want to dance? |
| FIVE | Yeah baby! |
| THREE | Shake your booty! |
| FIVE | I will! |
| TWO | Peopllllle! We must organize! Stop dancing! |
| THREE | You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. |
| TWO | [looking around] Wha...what's burning? |
| ONE | Um...uh...not me. |
| FIVE | AAAAH! My big hair! |
| THREE | Burning like a flame! |
| FIVE | Someone put it out!!! |
| THREE | We will hose you! |
| FOUR | [sprays fluids at FIVE] |
| TWO | Oh great.
The fire is gone...but I smell like... ...whatever that fluid is that FOUR sprayed at me. |
| THREE | Smells like Teen Spirit. |
| FOUR | Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... |
| TWO | What's he...u, it...doing? |
| FOUR | ...eeeeeeeeeee... |
| ONE | Smoke alarm? |
| THREE | Smoke gets in your eyes. |
| FOUR | ...eeeeep. This was just a test...
|
| ZERO | Okay! The first week is over.
It is now time to vote off one member of each tribe. Each member takes turns going up to the camera. They then quietly tell it who they voted for. And finally they put the vote into the secret box. |
| ONE | I vote for four. People should have the right to make fire
in their own hut without being sprayed by funny smelling liquid-type... |
| ZERO | Stop hogging camera time! |
| ONE | Okay. [votes] |
| TWO | I vote for number five.
He doesn't seem essential to my plan. As a matter of fact he's makes my head hurt. And another thing... |
| ZERO | It's only an hour-long show! Come on! |
| TWO | Okay, okay. [votes] |
| FOUR | Glip glop da ha
WATCH WHOSE LINE THURSDAYS AT 8 ON ABC [votes] |
| FIVE | I vote for five, just because I really hate the number.
The number of Backstreet Boys, Jacksons, and Spice Girls. It's evil I tell you! [votes] [pause] Wait a minute! I'm five! Can I change my vote? |
| ZERO: | No. Number three are you ready to vote? |
| THREE | I will survive! [votes]
|
| SIX | I pick number eight. He scares me. |
| SEVEN | Using number eight to process the most reasonable selection...the result is...syntax error. What?! Ah. I'll just pick the little kid. |
| EIGHT | $yntx Error. Whiiiirrrrrrrrrr |
| ZERO | Pick a number. |
| EIGHT | Pick a number pick a number pick a number....errorrrrrrrrr |
| ZERO | Forget it. |
| NINE | I vote for number seven because having a professor on the island makes it too much like a certain television program. |
| TEN | NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE and NINE ONCE AGAIN!
|
| ZERO | The votes have been counted. The loser in the Taki-Toki-whatever tribe...is...number five! |
| FIVE | Whoo-hoo! No more rat cakes or rat surprise or café du rat! [jumps into the ocean and swims away] |
| ZERO | Oooookay...the loser in the Tribble Tribe is number eight! |
| SEVEN | But he didn't get the most votes! |
| TEN | I stuffed the ballot box with NINE, like, fifty times! |
| ZERO | Eight isn't even moving! He's rusted! He's as good as dead! |
| SEVEN | That's discrimination against the life impaired! |
| ZERO | You're right, the majority vote-getter should leave the island. |
| SEVEN | That's more like it. |
| ZERO | Number seven! |
| SEVEN | [censored]! |
| ZERO | That's the way it works. |
| SEVEN | [censored], [censored], and [censored] again! |
| ZERO | You must now walk upon the catapult of hype and be flung out of the island. And this concludes week 1 of Survival! |
| ZERO | Today is your first challenge.
It is called "Grab those melons." |
| NINE | Hahahahahaha! |
| TEN | Shut UP! |
| ZERO | We have brought you to this field of scientifically-enhanced fruit.
Grab as many melons as you can, but it you touch a non-melon... you shall receive a small electric shock. You may pick one member of your team to play this game. The team that grabs the most melons wins the fruit they collected. |
| TEN | [to NINE] Heh. Why don't you play;
you're good with handling fruits. |
| NINE | Why thank y...HEYYYYY |
| TWO | Number three, while they're busy watching you, we can execute plan BB5-Charlie Omega! |
| THREE | We are the champions! |
| ZERO | So numbers three and nine will play. |
| NINE | I didn't actually say I wanted to... |
| ZERO | You have two minutes. Go! |
| NINE | But I don't wanna... |
| THREE | [starts] I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!
[gets zapped] |
| ZERO | Coconuts aren't melons, naff git...try again. |
| ONE | [aside] I know how to tip the scales slightly...
[throws a lit match in front of NINE and sneaks away] |
| NINE | Eep! |
| THREE | Great balls of fire! |
| NINE | Ouch, ouch, ouch! That is...not comfortable... |
| FOUR | [sprays fluid at the fire] |
| NINE | Agh! The fluid got in my eye! |
| ZERO | Great, now the fruit is burnt and crispy. |
| THREE | Tuity fruity |
| ZERO | That doesn't make sense.
[looks around] Hey, where did one and two go? |
| THREE | Where have all the flowers gone?
Oklahoma? |
| ZERO | They were burnt! Well that's great.
Now no one wins. |
| NINE | Whe-where am I? |
| TWO | You've been taken hostage!
And the ransom...number eight! |
| ONE | And if you don't comply, Mr Matchstick will do the talking! |
| NINE | Is Mr Matchstick a puppet? |
| ONE | No! |
| NINE | Then what is he? |
| ONE | He's a match! |
| NINE | Then how does he talk? |
| ONE | He doesn't talk! |
| NINE | But you said he does. |
| ONE | AAAAARGH! [sputters] You're...you...wpc...clt...ARGH!
You're playing with fire! |
| NINE | So is Mr Matchstick an action figure? |
| ONE | [to TWO] Can I kill him now? |
| TWO | No! That'll ruin the whole...thing. We must start plan SG5-¤! |
| ONE | I thought it was BB5-Charlie Omega... |
| Whatever! The codes are arbitrary anyway. Just go to the tribble tribe and tell them our plan!
|
| SIX | [talking to the other tribe members]
And then there's Peckachu, he's a static electricity Peckémon. He can only be killed by Barmander, who can only be killed by... |
| TEN | I don't care, I don't care, I don't care! |
| SIX | Wanna see my yo-yo? |
| TEN | Shut your dirty little mouth! |
| SIX | But it goes back up by itself. |
| TEN | Maybe I should have brought something to pass the time.
Hey, where's number nine? Not that I miss him or anything... |
| ONE | [enters] Number nine...is with us! |
| TEN | Sweet. You can have him. |
| ONE | Wha...what...spt...wk...
[sputters] What?!?! |
| TEN | God, was he annoying. |
| ONE | Fine then, we will keep him. But joke's on you, you're down one member and we're up one! |
| TEN | Joke's on you, he's gonna make you talk only in questions
and make up songs in the style of his choosing. |
| ONE | So? That's not so annoying. |
| TEN | You'll see...youuuu'll see...
|
| TWO | So, as planned, my last plan failed. |
| ONE | You planned to fail your plan? |
| TWO | Sure.
Because this opens the door to other possibilities and other plans...and...such. Anywho, this plan will work. Is everyone present? |
| THREE | The gang's all here. |
| TWO | Good. Here's the plan.
Four will go to our rival tribe and squirt fluid in their eyes. |
| NINE | That hurts, believe me. |
| TWO | Then, three, while the other tribe is being stalled, will steal eight.
One will help him. |
| NINE | What do I do? |
| TWO | Nothing, apparently. |
| SIX | [walks in]
Watcha doin'? |
| NINE | [cheerfully] I'm being taken hostage! |
| TWO | No, no one wants you. We're gonna take the robot hostage! |
| SIX | I'm telling! [runs towards his tribe] |
| TWO | No! Don't let him leak information!
After him! |
| NINE | Ok. [chases after SIX] |
| TWO | No, not you! Aaaaaargh! |
| ONE | I'll set the trail on fire! |
| TWO | NO DON'T...! |
| ONE | [sets the ground ablaze] |
| TWO | Moron! |
| [trees start burning, a jungle catches fire] | |
| TWO | Number four! Fix that! |
| FOUR | [is on fire] Blurggggggggg |
| [Weird name tribe's hut starts to burn at the roof] | |
| THREE | The roof is on fire! |
| FOUR | [shrivels up and disappears] |
| ZERO | What the...?!?!
I leave you for a few days...!!! |
| ONE | Maybe if I set another fire to smother the first one...
[starts another fire] |
| ZERO | That made it worse!!! |
| ONE | I see. Hmm. Oh, wait, I have an idea!
[sets NINE on fire] |
| NINE | OWCH! |
| TWO | That's the most sensible thing you've done
since we arrived on this island. |
| NINE | [runs around] Water! WATERRRR!
[jumps into the nearbye ocean; loud splash] [is attacked and chewed on by irate pirahnas] AAAAAAHH! HEEEEEELP! AAAAAAAAAA!!! [screaming abruptly stops] |
| ZERO | [using an emergency fire stopping kit, puts out the fire]
And then there were six...
|
| ZERO | Today marks the end of Survival: week 2. |
| TEN | Cool. |
| SIX | I wanna go hooooome... |
| ZERO | You can't leave until you're voted off or dead. And since two have already disappeared, we shall postpone the voting until next week. |
| SIX | [cries] |
| ZERO | But now, since there are only six left, the two teams shall now combine into one! |
| THREE | Two becomes one? |
| ZERO | And thus we start another [yawn] exciting week of Survival. |
| EIGHT | Clunk. |
| TEN | [hits EIGHT] |
| EIGHT | Beep. Welcome. You've got mail. |
| TEN | Hey, what do ya know? I fixed it.
Now to check my mail. |
| TWO | Hey, there's supposed to be not a single luxury. |
| TEN | I hardly consider it a luxury.
It's mostly chain letters anyway. Oh here's a question... What is greater than God and more evil than the devil? The poor have it and the rich need it? And if you eat it, you die? |
| TWO | We don't have time for your stupid riddles. |
| THREE | Time is on my side. |
| EIGHT | Twelve o' clock. Twelve o' clock. Twelve o' clock. Twelve o' clock. |
| TEN | How do you stop |
| EIGHT | Twelve o' clock. |
| TEN | the time from blinking? |
| ONE | I have an idea. [lights a match] |
| EIGHT | Twelve o' clock. |
| TWO | No! Don't se it on fire! He's essential for my next plan! |
| I'm just gonna scorch his monitor slightly. | |
| EIGHT | Twelve o' clock. |
| TWO | No, no no! |
| EIGHT | Twelve o' clo...[whoosh] |
| TWO | AAAAHHH! Put that out! |
| ONE | YOu idiot, that'll short-circuit his...short...circuits. Moron. |
| TWO | Not any worse than setting it on fire! |
| ONE | It really seemed like a good idea at the time. |
| [thunderclap; rainfall starts] | |
| THREE | Rain. |
| [THREE, ONE, and TEN go to the hut] | |
| TWO | Quick, we gotta get the robot in the hut-type house...thing! |
| SIX | But I'm scared and... |
| [lightning strikes a nearby tree] | |
| SIX | I want my mommyyyyyyyy |
| TWO | We haven't time to waste! |
| SIX | [cries] |
| TWO | Fine then! Come into the hut, I'll explain plan B. |
| [SIX and TWO run into the hut]
|
| TWO | Hey...wasn't eight right next to this rock
when we left it last night? |
| TEN | I don't care. What's for breakfast? |
| TWO | [sees EIGHT] How'd he get over there? |
| EIGHT | Welcome.
[a few sparks fly from his mainframe] |
| TWO | Hmm. Guess he was unaffected by the storm... |
| EIGHT | You will die now. |
| TWO | Ohhhhhhh [censored]... |
| EIGHT | Death laser...on.
[right arm switches to...well, a death laser of course] |
| TWO | [nervous chuckle] I-I-I tried to help you... |
| EIGHT | [zaps and misses TWO] |
| TWO | Okay then. Bye! [runs like hell] |
| EIGHT | [zap, miss. zap, miss. zap, hits a tree] |
| TWO | [to everyone else] AAAAAAAAAAHH! HE'S EVIIIIIIILLL! WAAAAGH!! |
| TEN | But did you get breakfast? |
| EIGHT | [zaps TEN] |
| TEN | [explodes] |
| THREE | RUNAWAY!!! |
| [cheerfully]
Perfect! I finally get to use my coconut death ray!
That cyborg won't know what hit him... ...er, it...I think. Something like that. | |
| EIGHT | [zaps TWO] |
| TWO | [explodes] |
| ONE | [throws firey matches at EIGHT] |
| EIGHT | [zaps matches. matches explode. zaps ONE] |
| ONE | [explodes] |
| EIGHT | [zap. hits a boat. boat explodes.] |
| THREE | Help! |
| EIGHT | [zap, hit] |
| THREE | [BOOM!] |
| EIGHT | [aims at SIX] Ready. Aim. LOCKED ON! Beep beep beep beep beep beep... |
| SIX | Peckachu, I choose you! |
| SIX 1/2 | Peckaaaaaaaaaa! [zaps at EIGHT] |
| EIGHT | [aim is thrown off and misses] |
| SIX | Peckachu, shell shock! |
| SIX 1/2 | A-choo![hits EIGHT] |
| EIGHT | A FATAL ERROR HAS OCCURED AT [BOOM] |
| SIX | Great going, Peckachu! |
| SIX 1/2 | Peck. |
| ZERO | Congratulations. You are the last standing member!
You have won Survival! |
| SIX | Can I go home now? |
| ZERO | Um, well, it seems that eight destroyed the boat,
our only way of getting off the island. I'll go cook us some coconuts. |
| SIX | [cries] |
Kevin Magpoc
huzlinefan@yahoo.com
http://idget.comicgenesis.com